Be On The Watch: The Laughing Heart

Bukowski knew that we get "chances" (choices) – but the real trick is in the recognition – the learning of HOW to recognize these "chances" - before it’s too late

Everyone has their own, unique “Dark Night of the Soul” - and Everyone has their own, unique “there are ways out” (Bukowski)

I have had the occasion to really “look” at my life and my life circumstances over these last several years. Many of you can relate. I have been trying – desperately – for some time - to find a way of living - a way of being - that makes sense for me - that makes sense to me. I’d say that this has been going-on for years. Many years. Too many years of feeling utterly lost. Too many years of “seeking.” Too many years of never really “finding.”

There have been so many Great Teachers whom have tried to point me in the right direction – whether it was conscious on their part or not. But it seems to me that they knew something about this dilemma – this not recognizing the “chances” the G-O-Ds offer us – that Bukowski nailed in his masterpiece poem. That we are offered – time-and-time again – choices (“chances”) that either bring us a certain amount of “light” or do not. I suppose the real dilemma is in the recognition – in those crucial moments – of that which will bring us closer to “the light” or that which will take us further away from it. And of course, you understand that sometimes we simply make bad choices – ones where we may feel we ARE moving towards the (some) “light” – like a “next best choice” (compromise) given our current situation. That we “settle” for a “false light” – that we choose a convenient, comfortable path – that seems appropriate at the time – over one that offers us an “unknowable horizon” – and a better chance at the “true Sunrise.” I feel I have done this – unknowingly or not – naïve or not – many times throughout my life. How can I now “See” these “chances” – make these choices – based upon that which “The G-O-Ds offer” – and not based upon what (I now realize) is essentially fear-based?

You could interpret the “answer” from above as being something that is completely objective. That anyone could look at the (your) life situations and be able to clearly understand (“See”) the appropriate answer – what is the appropriate choice for you. And while that may be true sometimes, in certain situations, it is more often a much more complicated endeavor that eludes analysis from “the outside.” Yes, one should most certainly take appropriate and qualified counsel, but these (people / Teachers) are meant as “inputs” to our own process – our own, unique Healing Journey – not as literal directives (answers).

I have come to realize that my “process” these last several years – if not the last couple of decades – my Healing Path and Journey – has been what has been described as “The Dark Night of the Soul” from St. John of the Cross and Christian Mysticism. A crisis of Faith. A catastrophic and complete loss of “Meaning.” A loss of “Connection” or of never finding “It.” Many others have interpreted and expanded upon this “purification of the Spirit” (and – hopefully – an eventual (re)Union with G-O-D) – from Friedrich Nietzsche, to Joseph Campbell, to Baba Ram Dass, to Eckhart Tolle, to “Jed McKenna,” to Carl Jung, to George Gurdjieff, etc.

The term "dark night of the soul" can be used as a synonym for a crisis of faith. More generally, it is "used informally to describe an extremely difficult and painful period in one's life".

This crisis may endure for a long time. The "dark night" of St. Paul of the Cross in the 18th century endured 45 years, from which he ultimately recovered. The dark night of Mother Teresa, whose own name in religion she selected in honor of Thérèse of Lisieux, "may be the most extensive such case on record", having endured from 1948 almost until her death in 1997, with only brief interludes of relief, according to her letters.

Other authors have made similar references:

Inayat Khan states, "There can be no rebirth without a dark night of the soul, a total annihilation of all that you believed in and thought that you were." Joseph Campbell states "The dark night of the soul comes just before revelation. When everything is lost, and all seems darkness, then comes the new life and all that is needed."

Roberto Assagioli states:

Before the full and final victory, however, the soul has to undergo another test: it must pass through the "dark night" which is a new and deeper experience of annihilation, or a crucible in which all the human elements that go to make it up are melted together. But the darkest nights are followed by the most radiant dawns and the soul, perfect at last, enters into complete, constant and inseparable communion with the Spirit, so that – to use the bold statement employed by St John of the Cross – "it seems to be God himself and has the same characteristics as him".

I can now – with the gift / curse of hindsight – “See” any number of opportunities or “chances” I have been given. Any number of choices I made which led me “further away from the light” than I thought at the time. And while each of these choices yielded consequences from which my experience should’ve contributed to a developed, compassionate, seasoned wisdom – this hindsight leaves me with much regret, much pain. A feeling of still being quite lost. A feeling that I still have NOT developed the wisdom necessary to avoid making even more bad decisions, bad choices – no matter how I might “reasonably justify” them in the moment. And of course, you realize that I’m not talking about ALL decisions – I’m talking about the ones that have incredible, life-changing (or not) consequences. Life expanding – or contracting – consequences. Choices that we may not appropriately grok the incredible importance (“chances”) at the time. And had I – somehow – understood how to appropriately weigh those choices – I might have made better (correct?) ones. This is not accounting for or analyzing the “perfection” of our choices in the Grand Scheme of things – this is to attempt to identify the characteristics of better, appropriate decisions – choices that Bukowski (and others) refer to as “the G-O-Ds will offer you chances. Know them. Take them.” How does one come to better “Know them. Take them.” in one’s own life?

“Where wisdom reigns there is no conflict between thinking and feeling” ~ Carl Gustav Jung

I have developed my own language for this Healing Journey – this “Dark Night of the Soul” many have experienced, considered, and talked-about. I’ve often called it the (my) “Maha Crucible.” And while the terminology may be different – I feel that it’s the same thing, simply said different ways. What’s different, what’s unique to each individual are the circumstances – as well as what I believe are what Bukowski meant when he wrote, “be on the watch. there are ways out.” Each of us have our own, unique “ways out.” Each of us have our own, unique, and better response to the offered “chances,” to the important choices in our lives.

I vividly remember my ex-wife saying to me – while we were in the throes of breakup and divorce back in the early aughts – that “you’ll never be happy.” And it struck me at the time that she was mostly right – that I didn’t know what true happiness was – or how to go about “finding it” or manifesting it – or appropriately contextualizing it. And it also struck me as a “curse.” Or an observation of an already active curse – which I had no idea how to “Lift,” “Clear”, or “Heal.” My “default mode” was to internalize what I felt as an (cruel but accurate) observation that I always “held” or believed at the time – and did for many years afterward – that I was somehow “damaged goods.” Her words held great “sway” over me until I heard a “salient riff” on “happiness” and “the issue is relationship” by Baba Ram Dass some years later – that quite literally set me free. (Part I and Part II)

I also vividly remember – sometime around 2018 / 2019 when I was in the midst of yet another “transitory crux” in my life – and I was “offered a chance” (a choice) and I refused it – or should I say, I didn’t “See” it for what it was. Needless to say, the consequences of that (my) choice haunts me to this very day. It had to do with deciding or not to move out to Las Vegas / Henderson, NV from NYC – to better look after my (now late) Mother. I chose to remain in NYC, because “my life….” (“blah, blah, blah…”) And while I still spent a great deal of time in Las Vegas / Henderson looking to the care and well-being of my now late Mother, I feel that had I accepted and acted upon my Duty as her son at that time – my life would have gone-off on a trajectory very different than the one I inhabit now. Better? Worse? Who is to say? But the fulfillment of my Duty (Service) as her son – what I also call “taking Right-Action” – certainly feels – in retrospect – as the more appropriate choice. The “offered chance by the G-O-Ds.”

It has come to me – after much “Work” – that I can “feel into” better choices (“chances”). That I can conduct a thorough, multi-factor analysis and resulting synthesis of the characteristics surrounding my choices (these “chances”) – and my life – and with the addition of an “intuitive component,” I can arrive at much better choices – better “See” my “chances.” More than simply learning from my mistakes, I feel that I am coming-into better alignment with who I am – better alignment with Service – better alignment with “my Karma is my Dharma” (H/T Baba Ram Dass) – and ultimately into better alignment with G-O-D / Great Spirit. And perhaps then I can exit this “Dark Night of the Soul” – which seems to have dominated my life for better than 20 years.

It is not my will.

“Teach me to Pray, Pray Thyself in me.”

Teach me to Serve, perform Service through me.

Temet Nosce. Amor Fati. Memento Mori.

Praise Be To Hanuman
The Breath, Great Servant, and Hammer of R-A-M-A and S-I-T-A

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THE LAUGHING HEART by Charles Bukowski –

your life is your life
don't let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can't beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.

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Charles Bukowski [1920-1994] was one of the most famous of the American poets of his time. He was first published in his 20s, but gave up serious writing for the world of work and bars. He spent a lot of time roaming from job to job living in rooming houses from the East coast to the West coast before joining the United States Postal Service in Los Angeles. His life at that time bordered on insanity and death, two prevalent themes in his writing.

H/T AllPoetry.com

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