Barry Fleming is Dharmabuilt
How can we come to understand THAT which "brought us here” in the first place? What comprises a “worthy” life – a life built upon courage, honor, duty, compassion, forgiveness, service, love, etc.?
What can finally, appropriately “address” and contextualize the (my) seeming insanity of a (my) ardent, arduous Spiritual Path?
And I do this mainly for myself - as my own form of "therapy" - regardless of the validation from others. My most recent foray into the realm of Sacred Medicine “Work” became yet another notch on the proverbial bedpost of utter, impossible experience. The (my) Maha Crucible. When “the chips are down” in the relentless, brute FORCE of The Medicine (La Madre Ayahuasca) – in the PEAK of the mareacion – I am seemingly presented with information, experience that wholly resists understanding. I’ve come to believe that the only way I can begin to approach an understanding is by way of due time. By way of another kind of mareacion – the marination of my thoughts, impressions, feelings over time AWAY from The Medicine. There was a time when I would “hit it” often – thinking that practice would yield the “results” I was so fervently seeking. No judgements on the Medicine / Lineage Holders – the “Pros” – the Maestros. This is directed to all the “students” (and some “journeymen”) like me. There are exceptions – Healing & Training (dieta) exceptions. For me, that practice of “hitting it often” – while perhaps appropriate for a period of time – for a particular “curriculum” - eventually yielded the lesson(s) of thoughtful, sustained introspection and patience. And while there is much emphasis on the practice (and “job description!”) of “integration” – this somewhat dubious practice (role?) seems almost contrived in a culture / society hell-bent on an attempt (naïve or not) to “commercialize” what feels (to me) to be a primarily solo undertaking. Yes, by all means, seek wise counsel and allies – but never forget that your Path is your own – and any worthy Path requires that you figure shit out for yourself – the incessant, ubiquitous “integration coaches / life coaches” be damned. It always comes-back to you and your experience. And what you then take from that experience and (hopefully) convert to something useful in your day-to-day life. Hopefully convert to eventual wisdom. Your wisdom. Not something that absolutely requires a third party - an arbiter. I believe Intercessors are required early-on in our Spiritual Work. Good, Trustworthy Teachers. And I also believe that wise counsel (e.g. Transpersonal Psychotherapy) is required throughout our lives – if only to bear witness to our struggles and missteps (and triumphs!) – and to GENTLY provide perspectives from their own experience(s) as a matter of potential reference – a matter of comparison and contrast – a matter of “being together in the face of The Mystery” (H/T Baba Ram Dass Maharaj). “Comrades in Arms.” Comrades arm-in-arm. Brothers / Sisters, together, sharing Dharma. “Walking each other home.”
What is Dharma? What is the / your Dharma?
When I came up with the name / shingle of “Dharmabuilt” some twenty-odd years ago, I was attempting to contextualize WTF it is I’m doing here (?!?!) – my purpose – attempting to both “label” and understand my Spiritual Path and my very life. Built by Dharma, or Dharmabuilt came to me – even before I had the full understanding of what I was trying to convey. It was a kind of “placeholder” or “code name”– until such time that I had matured and evolved into a better understanding. I think many can relate to this. We (I) have these aspirations for which we don’t even have the full information (experience) to adequately comprehend. Such are our (my) dreams. Such are our (my) Prayers.
“I adore all Thy purposes without knowing them…”
As a haphazard Yogi and Spiritual Path aspirant, I came to appreciate and LOVE many different Teachings – from many different Traditions, Schools, Lineages and Pantheons. One of my first in-depth studies was Yoga – by way of Ashtanga Yoga (via Sri K. Patthabi Jois) and Iyengar Yoga (via Sri B.K.S. Iyengar) – both of whom studied (separately) with Sri T. Krishnamacharya. And while in the West there has been an emphasis on the Yoga Asanas or physical postures, slowly there came an understanding of a much greater, more inclusive, more comprehensive, more holistic system in what is commonly known as the “Eight Limbed Path” or “Patanjali Yoga.” And during the ensuing years I came to develop an appreciation (LOVE) of Yogic and Hindu philosophy – particularly that of Bhakti – or Bhakti Yoga – a yogic “system” of devotion, or devotional Hinduism.
I came to appreciate and later EXPERIENCE in the Sacred Medicine(s) Path and the rest of my Sadhana or Spiritual Path a profound connection with the Bhakti Path of "Daasyam" or the Path of Service – also known as Hanuman’s Yoga. Baba Ram Dass Maharaj often spoke of His connection to Hanuman – His connection to His own Guru / Teacher, Neem Karoli Baba Maharaj – by way of this, one of the “Nine Rays or Routes-Through to G-O-D in devotional Hinduism” (Nine Forms of Bhakti). I came to connect, deeply, with the Maha Avatar of Hanuman. Great Servant of R-A-M. And I came to “See” this impossible, incomprehensible, fantastical connection in my life circumstances. It is no wonder (or is IT?) that I’ve had several Great Teachers – a succession of Great Teachers - who were themselves Hanuman Devotees. And this began even before I considered myself such – or was even aware of their connection in this regard. Or even aware of THIS being a “Thing.”
"He takes Incarnation at the time R-A-M is on Earth - has Manifested in Form - He takes Incarnation in order to Serve R-A-M. And He is so close to R-A-M that He is known as the Breath of R-A-M, that is He’s so close to the Formless, that He is actually Its Breath…He’s serving It as the Breath serves you." ~ Baba Ram Dass Maharaj, 1996
During this last, most recent Sacred Medicine Ceremony (La Madre Ayahuasca), I had the impossibly profound and CHALLENGING experience that I’ve had several times before. On the one hand, I tend to go into “fear mode” and then it’s “off to the (proverbial) races.” I often speak of Brujeria or Shitana (black magic) and Wetiko (evil) – and I do so out of a preponderance of CAUTION – because these things can be very, very real. Are very, very real. And one of the ways they are most often encountered is within our (my) own mind (and Shadow) – as our (my) own thoughts (and energies) are “weaponized” against us (me). Tricky, tricky business. A recent exchange I had with others on a similar (Medicine) Path, in relation to this type of perceived encounter, in the context of “resisting” or “fighting” it:
“This is a tricky one. Sometimes to me (IMHO), "fighting" is a resistance to what is perceived (rightfully or not) as Brujeria / Shitana / Wetiko. Even if simply "my own mind" - there are important lessons in the "fight" that only come by way of this sometimes BRUTAL crucible. It seems that we are "given" (Blessed with) just enough Strength (Grace) to "withstand these incredible onslaughts." I've often said, "The Lessons are correspondingly proportional to the Great Strength with which we are Blessed"”
On the other hand, and in hindsight, what I now feel as having occurred was a sort-of “bringing forth” of Hanuman – and I even thought / felt that at the time. And my immediate reaction was one of fear – one of “unworthiness” – one of “if Hanuman comes-through, what then happens to Barry?” and I FOUGHT this experience – this “idea” with all I had. It was utterly exhausting. And It is every time. Such is the experience, the fear of our ego being dismantled or “threatened” with oblivion or irrelevance (?) – threatened with destruction. Again, tricky, tricky business.
I have had what can “classically” be described as a “psychotic break” in a Sacred Medicine Ceremony – when I was completely, and utterly “disassociated” for a time – a potentially terrifying experience. And although what I CAN remember – aside from what was related to me by others afterward – was not so terrifying in the moment. It was more-so a curious, unsettling “dream” whereby I experienced “glimpses” of things – snippets of experience – that to this day are difficult – if not impossible - to relate. And this was over a decade ago. I’ve had a LOT of time since then to “study” this occurrence! I believe these are extremely powerful and sometimes even necessary (ugh!) experiences to have - and appropriately leading-to or complementing Shadow Work. Experiences that affirm / reaffirm that we are NOT in charge – NOT in control - no matter our ignorance, denial, or sheer arrogance. And understand that these experiences are not necessarily a “one-and-done” proposition. A “psychotic break” can “come for a visit” at almost anytime – and not according to any particular “formula” or set of circumstances - or all our “Work” to hopefully prevent or minimize such things. Yes, one can somewhat mitigate with appropriate “set and setting” and appropriate, trustworthy, estimable Teachers / Intercessors (and again, theirs and our own Shadow Work) – but the Sacred Medicine Path is not easy. These are sometimes rightfully referred to as “Ordeal Medicines.” Caveat emptor.
“Teach me to Pray, Pray Thyself in me. Amen.”
I now believe what was being “brought forth” was an experiential remembrance of my Dharma – the qualities and characteristics of my Service – of my Bhakti Path - of the Archetypal Nature of Hanuman. And this was “too much” for me to grok or “Hold” at the time. This Emphatic, Energetic Signature of Hanuman was “Too Powerful” in those particular moments – in the way it was coming-through (The Maha Firehose and/or Sledgehammer!). In the way my foolish, inadequate mind was trying to grasp. To appropriately “negotiate” stepping-aside – appropriately allowing my ego (and fear) to lessen / subside and allow GRACE to come-through in One or Several of Its Myriad Forms – in Its Own Way(s) seems to be the salient lesson(s). And maybe, just maybe, some of THAT, some of the Archetypal Nature of Hanuman – some of His Divine Qualities – The Supreme Virtues - were / are “imprinted” upon me / in me – even in the midst of my “resistance” to Them? I like believe (and do often feel) that this may be the case.
"Lord, I know not what I ought to ask of thee;
Thou only knowest what I need;
Thou lovest me better than I know how to love myself.
O Father, give to Thy child that which
he himself knows not how to ask.
I dare not ask either for crosses or for consolations;
I simply present myself before thee,
I open my heart to Thee.
Behold my needs which I know not myself;
see and do according to Thy tender mercy.
Smite, or heal; depress me or raise me up;
I adore all Thy purposes without knowing them;
I am silent; I offer myself in sacrifice;
I yield myself to Thee: I would have no
other desire than to accomplish Thy will.
Teach me to pray.
Pray Thyself in me.
AMEN."
Francois de Salignac Fenelon
Archbishop of Chambray, 1651-1715 AD
From a book by the late, Great Myron Stolaroff who payed tribute to one of his Great Teachers - Dr. Leo Zeff - in "The Secret Chief Revealed”
And Baba Ram Dass Maharaj: Serving The Beloved, Part I & Part 2 (Santa Barbara Satsang, 1996) – not long after the death of His Great Friend, Timothy Leary – and not long before He (Baba) had his debilitating stroke. When He was arguably at his full prowess / zenith as an orator.
Praise Be To Hanuman
The Breath, Great Servant, and Hammer of R-A-M-A and S-I-T-A
Jai Hanuman-ji
Forever, Ever, and Ever,
Jai-Hanuman-ji
S-I-T-A-R-A-M
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