Did You Believe The (Your) Great Awakening Would Not Be Attended By A (Your) Great Unraveling?
From A Certain Perspective, “Enlightenment” (Bodhi) Looks an Awful Lot Like “Rock Bottom”
AKA: It’s Hard Not to “Seek” When All Is Crumbling
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I've talked about my own "framework" with which I measure my own "progress" or fulfillment (Finding Meaning). It has remained consistent for many years now - having come into being during my work with my late, Great Teacher, Richard Bachrach - Praise Be His Name.
Querencia (Spanish): A place from which one’s strength is drawn, where one feels at home; the place where you are your most authentic self. It originates from bullfighting - when the matador in the ring, works to prevent the bull from ever finding his “power spot” - his querencia - where the bull is at his most dangerous - firmly standing in his Authentic, Powerful Self.
It's come to me that "Seeking" is a curious cross between grasping and aversion - the spectrum of suffering according to Buddhism. Baba Ram Dass Maharaj (Praise Be His Name) spoke of "Nowhere to Stand" when It came to His Teaching about "enlightenment," or Moksha / Freedom / Liberation, or appropriately responding to the triumphs and pitfalls of Life - the appropriate way to view our own cherished concepts and beliefs. I believe enlightenment is a profoundly destructive process - but the trick being that we tend to apply a negative connotation to the word "destructive" - when that doesn't have to be. Maybe "Enlightenment is an Evolutionary Process" is better? I think so.
I've been watching the old series of interviews between Bill Moyers and Joseph Campbell ("The Power of Myth" - astonishing!) and Campbell (Praise Be His Name) at one point spoke of dying as "I think you're so totally enraptured by G-O-D that you don't have the capacity to worry about your human / personality / ego concerns." This is how I think of Agape and “lying prostrate at the Gates of Awe.”
Is my Sadhana so flawed (or perfect?) that I simply perpetuate the exquisite prison I've constructed for myself – that I’ve sealed my fate (like Nietzsche spoke of fate in “The Gay Science”) in a certain way? Finally, "destroying" everything: family, friends / teachers, work / vocation / purpose, intimate partnerships, - and now my Sadhana itself? My long cherished "Querencia?" Is becoming as lost as I've ever been my version of "Nowhere to Stand?" Did I choose this process for myself? Apparently so.
I've often thought of the Sacred Medicine Path(s) as a vehicle by which I "go back into the madness" to then (perhaps) excavate, reveal, and possibly destroy / drop my cherished beliefs – even those I've come to "Hold" as my Immortal Vows. These Sacred Medicines have always been a daunting (and exhausting) proposition for me.
More-and-more I feel that I just need to STOP "seeking" - and simply "FIND" (Gratefully and Wondrously Live My Life / "Follow Your Bliss"). Campbell speaks so very eloquently about this - and He was (Is) a Great Master. He may be of help to you too.
EPILOGUE:
I believe Campbell was warning us all of the dire consequences on NOT "following our bliss" - and I’d go ever further by saying that the impediments to doing so are cumulative as you get older. It gets harder-and-harder. I foolishly oriented myself around "pursuing money - that would (supposedly) allow me to at some point "follow my bliss." This has certainly NOT been the case - see my previous post.
Another perspective on "Follow Your Bliss" –
“Anything is one of a million paths. Therefore, you must always keep in mind that a path is only a path; if you feel you should not follow it, you must not stay with it under any conditions. To have such clarity you must lead a disciplined life. Only then will you know that any path is only a path and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you to do. But your decision to keep on the path or to leave it must be free of fear or ambition. I warn you. Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary.
This question is one that only a very old man asks. Does this path have a heart? All paths are the same: they lead nowhere. They are paths going through the bush, or into the bush. In my own life I could say I have traversed long, long paths, but I am not anywhere. Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn't, it is of no use. Both paths lead nowhere; but one has a heart, the other doesn't. One makes for a joyful journey; as long as you follow it, you are one with it. The other will make you curse your life. One makes you strong; the other weakens you.
Before you embark on any path ask the question: Does this path have a heart? If the answer is no, you will know it, and then you must choose another path. The trouble is nobody asks the question; and when a man finally realizes that he has taken a path without a heart, the path is ready to kill him. At that point very few men can stop to deliberate, and leave the path. A path without a heart is never enjoyable. You have to work hard even to take it. On the other hand, a path with heart is easy; it does not make you work at liking it.”
― Carlos Castaneda, “The Teachings of Don Juan: A Yaqui Way of Knowledge”
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“For what it’s worth, it’s never too late…”
New context: This now seems to me as "A Dark Night of the Soul" - https://veilofreality.com/2024/02/01/a-guide-through-the-dark-night-of-the-soul-tcm-124-part-1/
Everyone's Journey with Pain is Different, and Not Everyone Steps onto The Healing Path, or Emerges from It, Whole Again. I don't think one EVER emerges from the Healing Path once it's embarked upon. And it dawned on me - though this thought has been forming for some time - that I have to try to "Hold People Within Big Compassion" (even strangers) at all times - because everyone is "dealing" with an utterly insane, BRUTAL world - their own particular, unique version - and I have to not only remember that - but I also have to remember that I have (I've been Blessed with) the Great Strength to face it and "Hold" them in "It"- while so very many do not have this Great Strength. How can I judge someone for whom I have NO IDEA of their life circumstances?
"Internally" I struggle with what I call an "incessant need to be seen" (especially when I look at that "framework" I developed with Richard)- which then gets-into an incessant need to "feel supported." It's a "curiosity" and a struggle. I suppose it's a product of unresolved trauma / wounding. At least I recognize it now... 🙏 And I'm getting better at not needing the "validation" - because I ultimately write for myself - my own Healing Journey. Add in the shadow banning - and you've got a "perfect storm" with which to "work."
Praise Be To Hanuman