The Dark Path Through
Why is it so hard to remember that every day is truly a gift? If it were easier to remember that, perhaps grief would be understandable, forgiveness more accessible, and resentment impossible?
Dear Mom,
I don’t know. It feels as though something just won’t “click.” It feels as though it has to do with acceptance / embracing “life” (and death) – embracing the moments – and I’ve not developed the capacity to do that? I miss you!
Your loving son,
BarryPS – It’s like I can understand something intellectually (mind?), but my body (heart?) hasn’t metabolized it? And I keep going-back to / getting pulled-back into grief and (self)forgiveness (pain) and into a conflict between Service to my Beloveds and Service to self (little “s”) – my own (ego / selfishness) path / purpose / desires / needs / peace / contentment / happiness. And will I ever resolve / reconcile this conflict – and would it alleviate my suffering? I’m trying really hard Ma – trying really hard to remember that which gives me life, gives me purpose, and that which redeems me.
I wrote the above a week or so ago to try to address this seeming unending dilemma of great grief. Ever since my Mother passed-away in October of 2022, I have been in a sort of fugue state (“Dark Night of the Soul”), and have been trying to “think” my way out of it - from every imaginable angle. And in that process, I’ve dredged-up all manner of issues / wounds that require the “light of day” for additional scrutiny. And you understand that it’s not just about the loss of my Mother - that it’s about a succession (and accumulation) of losses these last several years - and not just the deaths of Beloveds.
Those that have accumulated - such as lost friendships, lost teachers, lost communities, lost jobs, lost income, lost savings, lost opportunities, lost family, lost intimate partners, lost environs, lost joie de vivre, lost meaning, lost purpose, lost drive / ambition, lost dreams, etc. But the loss of Lefty (The Winter Solstice of 2017) and then that of my Mother have been “peak experiences” or those akin to some sort of “threshold experience” - and I no longer separate them. It’s as if they have blended into each other - and I can no longer discern where one stops and the other starts. My Belief System / Faith has had me “Hold” these particular Beloveds in a very profound (Divine) “configuration” for some time - so the resulting reckoning has been great. A seeming impossible task.
It has been, and continues to be, a dark path through.
“…the problems of the human heart, in conflict with itself.”
Grief and forgiveness - particularly self-forgiveness - appear to be my greatest, hardest lessons to date (I am 58 y.o.). And I’ve recently added “ressentiment,” using the French word in honor of Friedrich Nietzsche - as this particular lesson appears connected, but worthy of a separate analysis and mention.
“The concept was of particular interest to some 19th-century thinkers, most notably Friedrich Nietzsche. According to their use, ressentiment is a sense of hostility directed toward an object that one identifies as the cause of one's frustration, that is, an assignment of blame for one's frustration. The sense of weakness or inferiority complex and perhaps even jealousy in the face of the "cause" generates a rejecting/justifying value system, or morality, which attacks or denies the perceived source of one's frustration. This value system is then used as a means of justifying one's own weaknesses by identifying the source of envy as objectively inferior, serving as a defense mechanism that prevents the resentful individual from addressing and overcoming their insecurities and flaws. The ego creates an enemy to insulate themselves from culpability.” ~ Wikipedia
I have had the occasion recently to take a hard look at the resentments I carry. I’ve even called them ‘irreconcilable’ due to the energetic / emotional charge they still carry for me. And it is this “charge” that makes the approach to forgiveness (and self-forgiveness) almost impossible. And thanks to Nietzsche, I now understand these resentments and their charge to be yet more, clever projection. Yayyyy! More Shadow Work! Assigning “blame” (jealousy, envy, revenge, malice, etc.) to the other as a means of avoiding my own failures, shortcomings, and weaknesses. Classic. This does not mean that this then, magically, becomes easier. The recognition is the “easy” part. The “letting-go” is the work.
My Mother appeared to have “overcome” Her grief, forgiveness / self-forgiveness, and resentment “issues” (lessons) during the last few years of Her life - I was just too blind to see it, too arrogant to understand and respect it - in the particular way she triumphed. For all the pain I pour-out in these stories - as a means of healing catharsis - it pales in comparison to that of my Mother. I wish I had just a glimmer of what I know now - then - before she passed-away. I wish I had the wherewithal at least a few years ago - like at least 2018 - to recognize the great example she was - knowingly or unknowingly - providing me. Then these conflicts within my own Heart would diminish.
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EPILOGUE:
I have long had the impetus / imperative to withdraw into solitude in Nature. While it can be interpreted (and felt) as an avoidance of pain, is also (more?) a way for me to better apprehend “The Good, The True, The Beautiful.” The cacophony that is daily life in our society (and in my mind) is almost too much for me to bear at times - and this necessitates for me a need to “clear.” And it is in this process - this practice - that I am able to “access” the “channel” that allows me a certain sanity - or at least the bulwark against the seemingly exponentially growing madness (Evil). Using one (Divine) “madness” as a shield against the other. I’ve called it “my going to put on the Armor of G-O-D.”
My Medicine (Spiritual) Path appears to be double-edged. While Great Sensitivity can be achieved or accessed, one needs to develop Great Strength for this curriculum. This can also be said that the Great Lessons become correspondingly proportional to the Great Strength for which we Pray and are Blessed.
Temet Nosce. Amor Fati. Memento Mori.
Praise Be To “The Good, The True, The Beautiful”
Praise Be To Hanuman
The Breath, Great Servant, and Hammer of R-A-M-A and S-I-T-A