The Incessant “Need to be Seen” – and The “Work” to Overcome It

I’m so sorry Ma – I'm so sorry that I didn’t fully learn this before you passed-away

Feb 08, 2024

“The High Place” - My Great Altar of Healing & Freedom and High Temple of Hanuman

You Will Lose Everything

You will lose everything. Your money, your power, your fame, your success, perhaps even your memories. Your looks will go. Loved ones will die. Your body will fall apart. Everything that seems permanent is impermanent and will be smashed. Experience will gradually, or not so gradually, strip away everything that it can strip away. Waking up means facing this reality with open eyes and no longer turning away.

But right now, we stand on sacred and holy ground, for that which will be lost has not yet been lost, and realising this is the key to unspeakable joy. Whoever or whatever is in your life right now has not yet been taken away from you. This may sound trivial, obvious, like nothing, but really it is the key to everything, the why and how and wherefore of existence. Impermanence has already rendered everything and everyone around you so deeply holy and significant and worthy of your heartbreaking gratitude.

Loss has already transfigured your life into an altar.

~ Jeff Foster

I have crossed the threshold of fifteen ‘stacks since having started on Christmas 2023. It came to me that these were a “warm-up” to this particular post. Of course, this wasn’t a conscious “strategy” on my part – not at all. This is an “energetic” quality I feel / understand – a deep, intuitive “knowing.” Readers of my work realize that this means “Seeing” in my vernacular – in my lexicon. I use it a lot. It means so much more than simply “eyesight.” It means coming to understand something based upon not only one’s eyes (usually not even) – but by way of one’s Body+Mind+Heart+Emotions+Energies+Soul+Spirit. An embodiment. And this is an “intentional occurrence” – as well as a Practice – part of my Sadhana or Spiritual Practice. And if something I write about does NOT first “embody” me – if I am not “embodied” by it - if there’s not an aspect of “Seeing” (channeling?) associated with it – I don’t write about it. It’s that simple. I guess another way of saying it is that “It must write Itself,” that I have to simply “get out of the way” as best I can. Sometimes it’s easy – sometimes it’s more difficult. And now, I understand (I’ve learned – Thank you Ma) that some things (“Maha Themes”) “require” me to have first unearthed or excavated other things – to “get where I need to be” – in order to bring forth a particular story – a particular “embodiment.” It’s like picking-away at a scar (apologies for the image), bit-by-bit, until such time that the blood freely flows from the original wound. To perhaps first “heal” the underlying dis-eases that serve to mask and essentially come to comprise a much greater dis-ease. A “Maha Syndrome.” This is such a story.

I’ve “scratched this itch” quite a bit. I’ve scratched at this scar quite often since before losing my Mother on October 25, 2022 – just three days shy of Her 87^th birthday. It runs DEEP this wounding. Unfathomable. I’ve written about my “Dark Night of the Soul” and my “Conceptual Framework for Finding Meaning,” but I guess I didn’t get to “the roots” of “It” well enough – so “It” came into my psyche – my Body+Mind+Heart+Emotions+Energies+Soul+Spirit in order to “get It out” or exorcise “It.” In order to bring “It” to the surface for integration and release. As well as an exorcism, a catharsis, this also Serves (big “S”) as my own form of “Inquiry” – so please bear with me as I give “This” (“It”) free rein. It may be a bit disjointed, but I’ll try to let it “come-though” in a cogent fashion. My essentially “talking to myself” sometimes is hard for others to follow – and I apologize for that. I’m always trying to better grow as a writer - as a storyteller.

My Mother lived alone in Her house in Henderson, NV since my Stepfather, Melvin Arthur Johnson, passed-away in June of 2012. She was to live-on another 10 years – Her passing coming on October 25, 2022. I was Blessed to be at Her side. I was also “cursed” in that I was the only one of her four children – my siblings – and the only member of “the family” to be there – actually the only person – aside from a Dialysis Technician and an ICU Nurse. To face such an incredibly painful “journey” alone – without familial support / comfort is a profound thing. This was not due to a “suddenness” of Her death – She was in hospital – clinging to life – but deteriorating – for over three weeks. I had arrived at her home on October 2^nd and immediately assessed the gravity of the situation – of Her “crisis” state of health – and had Her transported by paramedics / ambulance to hospital – where she had a “V-fib” heart attack right in front of the emergency room attending physician. Had She not been in the emergency room when this took place – I highly doubt she would have survived. But my Mother was (Is) a great fighter – with reserves of Great Strength that are mostly unseen by the “eyes of those unaccustomed to recognizing It.” It is this unfathomable Great Strength that I now write about. You might also call it Grace.

My family members are no strangers to great pain. I now find this quite interesting from the perspective of my “life lessons” or perhaps my Karma / Dharma – especially as they are experienced in something like the Sacred Medicine Path. In Shadow Work.

"The Lessons are correspondingly proportional to the Great Strength with which we are Blessed" ~ B.F.

As the youngest of Her four children (I was born in 1966), I wasn’t so much on the direct, “receiving-end” – like that of my siblings – and my Mother – of any manner of abuse meted out by my late, biological Father (and subsequently by my traumatized, victimized older siblings) in our household(s) growing-up. There were four of us – three boys and one girl. My sister being the eldest – ten years older than me. If anything, I was more of a witness – and thereby suffered the “indirect” trauma of a young, innocent child – not really knowing what was happening, but feeling it (my first forays into “energetics” and empathy) nonetheless. A loss of innocence. A loss of innocence at a very young age. PTSD and “survivor’s guilt.” The complexity of circumstances (trauma and wounding) was such that even after my parent’s divorce when I was nine y.o. – the abuse / trauma continued in various permutations – from various “vectors” (persons) in the new “households” that were established from the proverbial wreckage of the original family unit – and in the new “parental relationships” that were introduced. And yes, I had a “classic,” wicked stepmother experience. Who, come to find out many years later – was only ever a wicked girlfriend when I (unfortunately) lived with her and my late Father for several years. So, the “escape” that my Mother was so desperately seeking after the divorce – became just more “grist for the mill” in terms of continued, inextricable abuse, trauma, and great pain that can only be manifested within a family – within an extended family –within generations of family. A “cursed” family (?)

I don’t like to speak ill of the dead. Some feel that I “shouldn’t air-out my family’s dirty laundry” in such a public way. That I’m simply perpetuating my own “victim consciousness.” That it’s disrespectful (cultural conditioning?) and it’s adding insult and injury, adding great pain to what may have somewhat healed. But I feel that I MUST do exactly that – air-out, clean, “clear,” “heal,” my family’s dirty laundry (who else will?). Given the current circumstances of my life – the disposition of my “family” – things have never “somewhat healed.” No, not at all. If anything, the death of my Mother Served to bring all the associated great pain to the surface – the incredibly painful history of our family - to finally (?) be addressed perhaps? To finally (?) be healed? And of course, you understand that I’m talking about my healing. A more comprehensive “healing” of the rest of the family (and my Ancestors) – while I can offer Strong Prayers in that regard – it is something for which I have little, if any, control whatsoever. It is not my will.

My Mother didn’t have a malicious bone in Her body. If she had any fault, it was a naiveté, it was a denial / defense mechanism (complex) that had her always donning the proverbial “rose-colored glasses.” If she did ever lash-out or otherwise “throw shade” at someone – it was based upon Her own, profound, deep wounding. Her triggers. Her own complicated “relationship” and history with abuse, trauma, and betrayal. And this “lashing-out” would only happen if she was “pushed into a corner” for which Her complex denial system was challenged as inadequate. More-and-more, what ended-up being a “default response” to extremely uncomfortable feelings (great pain) and to the people whom caused (triggered) them – was to “shut-down” and “estrange them” or otherwise put-up a nearly impenetrable boundary – warranted or not. You know the drill – to “cut someone off” or otherwise “shut them out of one’s life.” Ironically, I learned this “skill” (trigger response) myself – probably with Her as a primary example – and commenced to use it in my own life – on many occasions. And I continue to leverage this response as Modus Operandi – to erect and maintain certain “boundaries” – whether or not this is truly the appropriate response. It became preferable to engaging in no-win, extremely painful conflict – preferable to “onboarding” yet more great pain – preferable to “imbibing” yet more (perceived) “poison” (poisonous, toxic relationships) – even with immediate family members. Especially with immediate family members. My Mother (and I) could “leverage” this trigger-response – this “self-preservation response,” this “self-protection response” – to great effect – and if need be – for years. Decades. Lifetimes.

“My family puts the ‘fun’ in dysfunction” ~ Unknown (but probably Irish!)

My Mother was estranged from my eldest brother and sister for years. Many years. I won’t go into the long, sad, associated stories here. There’s really no need. Suffice to say, all parties felt – and the survivors continue to feel - deeply betrayed. And all parties leveraged our preferred familial “weapon” (trauma response) of estrangement. The deep “ruts” dug by the years – decades - of estrangement – decades of resentment – decades of great pain – are quite difficult, if not near impossible to escape or otherwise get out of. It takes Great Strength, Great Skill, Great Perseverance, Great Compassion, Great Forgiveness. And I now realize that these attributes, these characteristics, are very, very difficult to “apply” when so much pain has been endured – and so much time has gone by. So much “Water under the bridge.” I suppose that if I could give words to THE “Maha Crucible” of a witnessed life – of my own life – it would be this. When unrequited LOVE is actually unrequited FORGIVENESS. As one of my Great Yoga Teachers and Hanuman Devotee (Tim Miller) often said, “it’s like the impossible force meets the immovable object.” Such is the “Journey of Forgiveness” within my family. Within myself.

A Great Altar of Healing and Freedom - A Memorial Altar Constructed for My Mother and My (Our) Family - In Her Home (Her Beloved Sanctuary) - After She Passed-Away Oct. 25, 2022

I’ve long struggled with this “incessant need to be seen.” I wrote about it some in speaking-about “Sacred Reciprocity” and even more-so in a comment I made on that post:

"Internally" I struggle with what I call an "incessant need to be seen" - which then gets-into an incessant need to "feel supported." It's a "curiosity" and a struggle. I suppose it's a product of unresolved trauma / wounding. At least I recognize it now... 🙏 And I'm getting better at not needing the "validation" - because I ultimately write for myself - my own Healing Journey. Add-in the shadow banning - and you've got a "perfect storm" with which to "work."

How deep is this need? How deep is the associated wounding? I have found it to be unfathomable. A need to be seen, validated, supported, appreciated, respected, needed, understood, forgiven, LOVED, etc. I equate it with the “existential problem” of “separation” – of being individuated in a duality-based existence / paradigm. Always feeling disconnected from some unknowable, yet essential part of Oneself - the “Divine” part - separated from G-O-D. Not being “Seen” by G-O-D. And without going into that particular “rabbit-hole,” how does one go about understanding and “working” with something that at once seems to be “so simple” and yet so profoundly difficult.

My “Conceptual Framework for Finding Meaning” (aka: “Quadrants of Fulfillment”) - From the“Work” I did with my late, Great Teacher, Richard Bachrach

I’ve long struggled with and “studied” this “need to be seen” and am constantly aghast at how it “drives / motivates me” (unconsciously or not) – how it underpins almost everything about how I relate to people. Is it the “original impulse” of our “hard-wired” need for our Mother’s gaze, our Mother’s touch at birth? A loving gaze and touch of someone who is to care for us, protect us, nurture us – in those very first moments? Perhaps. All I know is that in my own life, this need – and its perceived lack of fulfillment – came to be a huge part – if not THE essential part of my Maha Crucible or life lessons.

“Pathological rejection of authority based on unresolved childhood trauma” ~ “Silva” from “Skyfall” (the incomparable Javier Bardem)

Little did I know that I had “answers” (Healing examples) all around me – in every facet of my life. I finally “heard” (after hearing it many, many times) the salient lesson of Baba Ram Dass, “My Karma is my Dharma” or “what my life is presenting me with is the vehicle with which I can become free.”

Our society is insane. I think we can all agree on that at this point. The “attention economy” has been cleverly designed to “capture eyeballs” (attention) in order to “monetize” it. Even “weaponize” it (e.g. propaganda and psyops). The blatant (promoted!) self-promotion, self-aggrandizement, narcissism, vanity, depravity, etc. is on offer 24/7/365. One has to work very hard to not get caught-up or trapped in it. And that’s just the “easy part!” The harder parts are the aspects of “attention” within our relationships – as illustrated in the above “Conceptual Framework of Finding Meaning” – and how that “attention” is offered and reciprocated. How the (my) “need to be seen” is understood in context with the relationships in my life – and how these needs are fulfilled in a healthy fashion - or not. Or how these needs are put in the appropriate context and finally understood and healed. How these needs Serve (big “S”) to help us along our Path to Wholeness and Authenticity – our Healing Journey and Spiritual Path.

For the last 10 years of my Mother’s life – and certainly going-back much, much further – She developed an Incredible Inner Strength which I only came to recognize (“See”) in these last several years – especially since Her husband (my Stepfather) – Mel Johnson – passed away in 2012. While it could be said that she simply fell-back into Her “default mode” of denial and “rose colored glasses” – it wouldn’t be fair. It wouldn’t consider the incredible Strength and Resiliency She had developed overcoming or at least facing Her “demons.” And while I can certainly – from my limited perspective – and in hindsight - “See” where She chose to “turn-away from facing certain demons” – it would not appropriately HONOR the Great Strength She developed and the incredible sacrifices She made in Her life. That She overcame so much in Her life is an understatement.

In those final years She seemed to have found peace with all the pain. It was really quite remarkable to witness. And of course, I was Blessed to finally “See” it. What others in my family – my siblings – and even myself at times – came to consider: the declining years of an old woman – perhaps “bitter” – perhaps “a bit senile” – perhaps a “curmudgeonly old hermit” – perhaps a “significantly wounded parent” – perhaps a “classic” narcissistic parent - perhaps a “crazy old lady reverting to the consciousness of a child” - etc. was really a person finding HER WAY with Her life, Her Great Pain, and Her death. And in that realization came a great flood of compassion and respect. An admiration.

What from the outside looked like a parent who had eschewed Her relationships with two of Her four children – who had chosen the “Path of Estrangement” with two of Her four children – who had also erected near impenetrable boundaries at times with Her remaining children – myself and my next elder brother – was really Her way of Self Care. Really Her way of “keeping it together” in the face of such incredible pain – Her deep, deep pain. And when you can come to witness, come to empathize with someone who is trying to find a way to live with such incredible pain – you should – at the very least – pause. And with that pause there should naturally arise a deep, abiding compassion, a deep, abiding respect. “We are all walking each other home” ~ Baba Ram Dass. Take a pause, because Her example, of the accumulated, great pain of an 87 y.o. woman - a Mother - a Wife / “double Widow” - a Daughter - an Elder - etc. is something to Behold - and something to respect. We cannot - those of us younger - much younger - cannot comprehend the Great Strength it takes to “Hold” all that - and at 87 no less - and in an old, frail woman living alone - on Her own terms.

She came to a “place” whereby She no longer needed to be “seen.” She no longer needed anyone to understand Her or why She did the things She did – or why She was the way She was. She was completely, utterly comfortable with who She was – and how She was. She no longer needed “validation from the outside.” No longer needed to be seen.

And while I know my Mother knew that I “Saw Her” in that wholistic, authentic, complete, compassionate, Loving way – and that She truly appreciated me (“Saw me”) – she really didn’t need “It” from me. She had moved past that “need.” She had exited Her own Maha Crucible and She was in Her “Pure Land.” She was Free.

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EPILOGUE

This post is not implying that I’ve got all this figured-out. Not by a long shot. The peace my Mother attained in her final years, months, weeks, days, hours, etc. was HARD WON by way of Her own, brutal Maha Crucible. I am left – as one of Her surviving children – to find my own way with this stuff – but I now have Her (I realize – I “See”) as a magnificent example for me to “find my way out of this incessant need to be seen.” My own way out of my own Maha Crucible. Such is her legacy – and my Karma / Dharma. I continue to struggle with any number (all!) of the “Quadrants of Fulfillment” (the above ‘Conceptual Framework for Finding Meaning’) and the associated great pain that comes from not having that perceived “need to be seen” reciprocated or fulfilled – in the ways I may think I absolutely require or even absolutely deserve. I am slowly learning that I need only myself – my own “validation” – my own sense that I am “on the Path.” And that someday – one day – I may be able to exit my own Maha Crucible. That I firmly, resolutely “Stand” within Myself – as Myself - not requiring the validation of “others.” That I too may find peace. And come to “See” that I AM INDEED “SEEN” – by That which Is “The Good, The True, The Beautiful.” And that I always have been “Seen” and always shall be. That I’ve finally learned to LOVE myself unconditionally, just as my Mother appeared to have finally done.