Finding Equanimity Between the Startlingly Beautiful and the Incredibly Horrifying
If reconciliation and equanimity can’t be found, perhaps Sacred Duty will suffice?
Make no mistake, I am not nor claim to be any sort of “Spiritual Teacher.” I’m way too much of a fuck-up to go anywhere near such foolishness. If anything, I write as a means of “self- inquiry” because I suck so bad at face-to-face conversation and the spoken word. I think my mind simply outruns my mouth and always has – so to write things out has always been preferential – and more (somewhat) successful. If you get something out of it – great. If you don’t, that’s fine too. Ultimately, this is my “holding-up a mirror in front of my face and asking my reflection just what the fuck is going on anyway?” I am still waiting for some sort of cogent response…
I have had the occasion to turn-over in my mind and heart this particular “Maha Lesson” as of late – especially as it relates to my current, incredibly stressful (and thus far unproductive) job search. I have been unemployed since last September 2023 and have been unsuccessful in finding work comparable to what I have done in the past. I’ve written about this previously. I am seemingly (literally and figuratively) being forced to accept work that is simply a means of survival (temporary or otherwise) at this point – well below the levels of compensation I have been able to earn in the past. And while this has become a necessary circumstance, I cannot help but consider the larger ramifications, the larger themes in my life. The polarities of perceived positives to negatives can be quite dramatic – and extremely uncomfortable. And frustratingly mystifying. That my life circumstances appear as yet more opportunities to learn – more “Maha Lessons” – becomes a supremely tedious and exhausting affair. Grim? I often fall into the “victimhood trap” of “why me?” And much of my time and thought process (and Prayer) is devoted to extricating myself from that mental and emotional quagmire. Many espouse shifting my thoughts and energies towards the more “positive.” Six months later and exhausted savings and my ability to be more “positive” is sorely tested. And when people actually make this kind of suggestion, my reaction and my subsequent thoughts are FAR from positive. I have a certain threshold I quickly reach now when it comes to these people and their platitudes.
Baba Ram Dass famously taught, “My Karma is my Dharma,” or “what my life is presenting me with is the vehicle through which I can become free.” And of course you understand that this is a variation upon, an interpretation of, “The Four Noble Truths” in Buddhism, as it relates to the perceived polarities of grasping and aversion – and how to appropriately deal with them. More to the point, how to appropriately deal with our perceived suffering. And the word ‘perceived’ is key – but at the same time makes little difference when you’re in the midst of pain, discomfort, turmoil, stress, desperation, etc. in your life – brought about by a myriad of circumstances. Learning how to apply the finer points of ‘equanimity’ in our lives can be at times – a nearly impossible mental / emotional / Spiritual exercise. Why? Because life is fucking hard. If it’s not currently hard for you – just wait.
Spiritual Masters all for the most part, seem to have successfully “licked” the lessons surrounding equanimity in the face of their life circumstances and challenges. Many seem to have developed (or were born with) a sort-of “detachment” that set them “outside” of the storms (and calms) of life. Made them impervious to the “buffeting” of the proverbial waves and winds. Oftentimes, these Masters appear as the classical “Renunciant” or Holy Person – a Sannyasin, Sadhu, Monk or Priest. Other times, they appear as one who has “attained” this detachment in their day-to-day lives, even as a “Householder” or one who has not taken any sort of vows of renunciation. Someone who lives their life as any other person – with the daily struggles and responsibilities of family, work, community, health, bills, triumphs, tragedies, etc. I have always appreciated the latter, because to find detachment in the midst of the cacophony of life’s circumstances – is indeed quite the achievement.
I am still too easily led (or pulled?) by my circumstances. And I seem to have developed a certain capacity for “extremes” in my life that I find altogether dumbfounding. I suppose you could say that I’ve yet to learn certain lessons – so they bear repeating – and they become even more extreme in the process.
“On a truly Spiritual Path, the Life Lessons become correspondingly proportional to the Great Strength with which we are Blessed.” ~ B.F.
I am not a Sannyasin, Sadhu, or Monk – yet. Maybe one day I’ll find my way to a cloister or simple hideaway or refuge or ashram and live out my life in Service, Prayer, and contemplation. I say ‘maybe’ because that life doesn’t seem to be in the cards (per se) for me – not unless things change dramatically. I still cling to the lifestyle of a “Householder” because the “Vows of Renunciation” don’t feel in alignment with my sense of my Karma / Dharma. Not that one is necessarily a “defeat” compared to the other – just that “Householder” feels more appropriate. I think / feel one must be “called” to the renunciant life – not forced into it by circumstances.
And these aren’t mutually exclusive or binary propositions. My own interpretation (and desire) is to have the ability to live a part-of-the-time, nomadic lifestyle. To travel and live in a 4x4 “adventure vehicle” (“bug-out vehicle!”) and spend a great deal of time in solitude, in wilderness, in Nature – and write. This could be interpreted as my own version of becoming a monk – while trying to maintain a “normal” life – a part-of-the-time life that allows for and supports the other. At least that’s the dream. My life’s current circumstances seem hellbent on taking me further-and-further away from that dream and I’m trying (desperately) to understand that, trying to “work” with that. Maybe the issue is that I DON’T appropriately bifurcate these two lives? That I should just choose one and try to stick to it? Easier said than done when you’re reduced to “survival mode.”
So, this “equanimity thing” - to be able to be magnanimous in the face of either ease or hardship – is indeed a tall order. To “See” either / or as the same. And to not let the circumstances dictate your reactions and dispositions. To not let your life’s circumstances either crush you – or exalt you. Finding the “Middle Way” between grasping and aversion. Taking the next “right action” and not being attached to the outcome. To truly come to understand and embody that suffering is a choice. These are masterful things – and I am not a Master. While perhaps a grand aspiration (“enlightenment?”), what can I do in “the interim?” Much like in the Bhagavad Gita, Arjuna had to be taught by Krishna what comprised His Sacred Duty. I had to discover my own Sacred Duty and I had (have) to use THAT as my bulwark against despair (or elation) in my life. I had to find THE THING that is impervious to the calms and storms of my life – and take refuge in it.
While I may be forced to take what some would consider work that is far below my worth, it is in Service to my Sacred Duty. I will Serve, Protect, and Provide-for My Beloveds – regardless of my life circumstances. Equanimity seems somewhat inaccessible to me for now – so I had to find something else. Equanimity be damned – at least for the moment.
Temet Nosce. Amor Fati. Memento Mori.
Praise Be To Hanuman
The Breath, Great Servant, and Hammer of R-A-M-A and S-I-T-A
# # # #
EPILOGUE
Over the last several years – and especially since early 2020 – I’ve (paradoxically) noted that the ones whom I thought would (should?) understand me the best, have turned-out to be the ones who understand me the least. And to make matters possibly worse, they seem indifferent to showing any sort of interest, or making any sort of effort – to understand or relate to me. There are of course exceptions. And thankfully, the Internet / WWW has provided a measure of this kind of connection. May you find people in your life – actual face-to-face connections – who care about you enough to want to understand you and relate to you. And if by chance you can’t, then D-O-Gs (G-O-Ds) are great. #alldogsarebodhisattvas
